This one time I was crashing with a chick I had met at a club. I was 17 or 18 at the time I think.
Her name was Bobbie and I didn’t particularly like her, but I needed a place to stay for a while and she was crashing with some older creepy guy and wanted someone else around as a buffer from said older creepy dude.
When I say he was an older creepy dude, I mean creepy.
He was a middle age guy with oily dark hair and had a wide horseshoe bald spot. He was moderately overweight, with poorly fitting clothes and smelled like moldy bread. He was repulsive.
When I say he was repulsive, after you picture this mans appearance (and smell), picture the most prominent thing in his living room being a large old outdated suitcase stuffed full of 100’s of various porn magazines.
Now, if that isn’t bad enough - the pages of those magazines were glued shut….
except it wasn’t Elmer’s.
He had ‘glued’ just about every page in there.
(And yes, we looked…and we might have thrown them at each other like we were in a food fight, except I guess it was a splooge fight? (teenage me chuckle) Idk, but it is disgusting. I am full of shame and mildly nauseated at the memory of it)
This is not the guy - but it could be the guy - but it’s not the guy.
Yeah.
It was like that.
But I wasn’t alone on the street, so I suppose that was a plus.
His apartment was in a rural area outside the Kansas City metro area, Grain Valley I think it was, There was nothing around - to even get to a convenience store was miles away and not convenient at all when you have no car.
So creepy dude would go to work at wherever creepy dudes work at and on his way home he’d pick up fast food for himself. That was virtually all he ever ate - sadly he did not really ever go grocery shopping so Bobbie and I were at the mercy of any scraps left over or whatever we might be able to scrounge around for around the apartment building.
I remember we found some really old plain rice cakes tucked away in his cabinets. I had never had them before and as bland and stale as they were they tasted pretty good. I still can’t look at a rice cake without recalling this entire experience.
We were so hungry at one point we decided that we would go out to one of the fields nearby and kill a cow.
We’d always heard about cow tipping and how they slept standing up and we could just sneak up on one and tip it over.
The plan was made, that night we would go out, tip a cow and slaughter the mother fucker.
We’d feast on cow for the foreseeable future. I mean, a cow is a lot of meat…We’d at least take a leg or a butt muscle or something, I mean neither of us could drag an entire cow back home, we weren’t greedy, just really freaking hungry.
(yes, I realize the idea of killing an entire cow for a small portion is wasteful - but desperate times people - desperate times…)
Darkness came and we headed out armed with the only things we could find to kill the beast. We had one fairly dull steak knife and a sturdy butter knife.
The weapons were not mighty but the will to eat was great so off we went.
We found a field and crawled through the barbed wire, being as stealthy as we could manage. We crept across the field for a few yards and immediately stepped in a ton of cow shit. Bobbie went from one pile of shit into another and finally fell flat on her ass in it. She was darn near covered head to toe in cow crap.
Of course the hilarity of the moment startled all the cows and our sneak attack was sneaky no more.
We realized that hunting was not in our future, there would be no feast that night. We also knew that we needed to find a new place to crash, so the next day we bugged out.
I always look back and laugh at that though. Creepy porn mag guy and hunting cow with a butter knife, LOL.
Life is awesome.
The plan was made, that night we would go out and ….