Movie Moments
A son is born
Super glue and an asshole too
Who needs a therapist
I just stood there...
Eight Weeks in April (or, how a live feed drove me insane)
Good Grief
It's not really sadness that I feel. I guess it's remorse? I wish that we had had just a moment where it felt like she cared. Maybe I just wish I had had that one 'motherly' moment with her. Or a moment of her opening up and telling me she regretted things. Or missed me, or thought about me, or was proud that I turned out okay...you know, all that kind of stuff. No more maybes, right?
God Dammit, Alice!
Hardened Criminal - Part 3 - The Riot
Hardened Criminal - part 2 - Self Destruction
I fucked up a lot. SURPRISE! I would get busted for missing curfew, and for association violations all the time. See, when you are on probation you are not allowed to associate with other people on probation or parole. Well, that meant I couldn't be around the dude I was dating at the time. I might have also showed up to my therapist appointment drunk a couple of times - but it's their word against mine ;) See, I wasn't an alcoholic - but I might as well try, right? That's what they thought I was, wouldn't want to let them down. Basically I was self destructing and everything was coming to a head.
Hardened Criminal
One night, I see a couple police officers come in, probably to feast on some of that high quality gourmet steak, only they didn't. They went to talk to the manager who then turned and pointed at me. I must have looked like a deer in the headlights standing there with dirty dishes in my hands. They escorted me to an empty banquet room where they placed me under arrest and walked me out in cuffs. My career as a professional slop waitress was crushed in an instant.
No more maybes
Chasing Shadows
It's hard to break old habits. My insecurities still creep to the surface and I see myself as I was when I was much younger - and for no fucking reason at all. It's like subconsciously I am always waiting and searching for some clue as to who's going to screw me over next so I can beat them to the punch.
Worlds Of Fun
Like A Virgin
The saddest part is that, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I STILL thought that we might "go together". That he really did like me and he just didn't want his friends to know. That, somehow we were connected, I literally believed there was still a chance, I just hadn't done something right and I needed to try harder.
Father Of The Year
The Mechanics Of Love
As a very young child I was taught that nothing was given for free. There was a price for everything. If I wanted to go to a friends house, if I wanted someone to come over, if I wanted a new toy, if I whatever...I just had to be there to give in order to get.
Love was not based on emotion, it was just a word. "Love" was what you did to get what you wanted.
Life After Beige
The after pain of the cut was sort of therapeutic. A constant reminder that the pain I was feeling was real. That I was still there - I could still feel. And the thing is - I had control of that pain. I could decide how much to cut, when to do it, where on my body and when it would stop. It was the only thing in my life I had control over. It was my goto drug for many, many years.